Today marks a year since I passed my UK Driver’s test.
Maybe it was the driving. Maybe it was the passage of time. But that first day of driving myself to work felt like I had finally made it in terms of being a resident of Scotland.
There’s something intimate about knowing a city through all the streets and turns. Of getting lost and figuring it out yourself. Of becoming the Queen of your morning commute.
When you’re driving, you get to know people and your city in a different way. And like my most expat things, you get to know yourself a bit better, too.
Preparing for this day brought out a lot of unexpected fear and anxiety. I had a panic attack on the first night of driving with my instructor. I had multiple nightmares about failing. The whole thing was really the perfect time for my Not Good Enough Monster to really rear their ugly head.
And what, exactly, was I afraid of? Against all the facts that I’m a smart person, that I had been driving for literally half my life (sixteen years), and that when I did drive in the UK, I was a good driver, I still felt such incredible fear and anxiety.
Maybe it was that everyone I spoke to had failed their test multiple times. Maybe it was that as an expat you’re never quite settled (or at least not yet). Maybe it was that my instructor was the biggest stickler for details and breaking bad driving habits (of which I was thankful for when it came to taking my test). Maybe it was embarrassment and shame of failing.
Whatever it was, it was definitely concocted by the Not Good Enough Monster. But, I quieted her down enough to pass the first time (with one minor infraction).
After I started to drive by myself, I learned that the driver I had become in Scotland was considerate and kind.
There are many unwritten rules of driving, especially in Edinburgh. But, my favorite has to be that many drivers let other cars into lines or let them turn across traffic if there is a build up.
The flashing of the lights, saying “Welcome to this line” or “No problem mate, I’ll stop the rest of the cars so you can turn” or “I’ll slow down to let you in, I’ve got you”. Seeing the hazard lights light up two or three times to say “Thank mate” or “You’re the best” or “I’m so sorry, thank you for understanding”.
I’ve been that road ragey woman before, honking and yelling and speeding. Constantly in Fight mode. Not surprisingly, it never brought me peace.
So now, I let others in. If there’s a line forming because someone needs to turn, I stop and let that driver turn to free up the line behind them. I put on my hazards when someone offers me the same kindness.
That little act of kindness sets the tone to my day. Resets it after a bad day.
I might lose thirty seconds, but I gain so much more peace of mind.